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Since You Never Asked: "I Would Like to Thank the Little People…"

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Lake Effect presents “Since You Never Asked” - a new series from contributor and essayist Jonathan West. This week, Jonathan rehearses his Oscar acceptance speech:

Since you never asked…

…here is my Academy Award acceptance speech.  You’ll hear it again, of course, when I win all the Oscars.

(Clears throat.) Uh, hmm.

Mr. George Clooney, when you just tore open that envelope and said my name, I literally could not believe my ears. I’m thrilled that I can now call you, “the handsome man who read my name off of a card.”

This is THE moment every one of us in this room dreams of. Am I breathless? Sure. It must be a quarter of a mile from the back of the theatre up here to the stage. But I’ve been crushing it on arm curls at the gym, so I should look really comfortable holding this six-pound piece of sculpted gold.  I’m just dumbfounded. And ripped as you can see.

I would like to begin tonight by thanking all the little people. Without them, I’d just look like I was sort of average height. You’re adorable. I would be remiss if I overlooked the big people, however.  I’d hate to offend those giants that walk among us because they might bonk the top of my head with their elbows or belly bump me, and that would hurt. And I’d be a real fool not to point out all the moderately sized people, the ones who are so painfully, painfully average. I’m stifling a yawn just thinking about you right now. 

I would also like to thank God. He is the greatest. Or she. Who knows, right?  I’m down with gender neutrality in a big way. I mean I have no problem using the ladies room when I really need to go.

I would also like to address that big old elephant in the room tonight. Can I get a round of applause for all the shades that are not grey? I’m talking about color, my friends.  White, black, yellow, brown, red, orange, mustard—it’s all fine by me.  Purple and green, though…I don’t know.  I once had a pair of socks with purple and green stripes.  Made me look like I had cankles.  Not too flattering. Purple and green is just a bridge too far for me.

Can I bring the room down for a minute and ask for a moment of silence?

(Pause.)

Whew.  That was awkward, huh?  All that dead air? Icky. I promise never to let another moment pass without more of my sparkling prose to keep you well amused.

I know we’re not supposed to get political up here, but let’s never forget, okay?  Raise your fist!  Ottawa!  Ottawa! Take back the afternoon. 

I’m humbled to accept this award for all those who weren’t able to join us for this special ceremony.  There are various reasons for that.  I understand that babysitters were at a premium tonight.  Many people aren’t here because they do work like accounting, pharmaceutical sales, or are baristas. Some couldn’t make it because they’re ashamed of how they’ve let themselves go since being the high school quarterback or prom queen. To everyone everywhere who is not, or could not, or should not, or would not make it tonight, I will not, nor do I have any desire to, meet you. I do accept this award assuming the obvious, however, that you are in awe of me and my total amazingness.

Thanks need to go out to my agent and my masseuse, who, as many of you might have guessed, are the same person.  And I needed to give a shout out to a couple of special folk. Mom, I know you’re listening at home, but—GO TO SLEEP. And wake dad up in his recliner, will you? It’s WAAAYYY past your bedtime, you crazy kids!

Good night everyone, and though Beonyce is my new close personal friend and not yours, don’t feel bad. If you ask me real nice, I maybe will tell you where she goes to get a wash, cut and blow.

Contributor Jonathan West brings us the series “Since You Never Asked.”  West is a writer, actor, and currently the Pfister Narrator at the Pfister Hotel in Milwaukee.