Earlier this month, Milwaukee Alderman Jonathan Brostoff died by suicide at the age of 41.
When someone dies by suicide, there are a lot of unanswered questions that can complicate the grieving process. These complicated feelings can be difficult to navigate individually and in community, especially when losing someone who was integral to the community.
“The human brain is a story-telling brain and so we want to have a start, a middle, and an end. And a death from suicide is often an abrupt end, an unplanned end, and leaves a lot of questions,” says Jeremy Schumacher, a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Wellness with Jer LLC.
Unlike with deaths due to age or disease, Schumacher says a death by suicide can present more questions than answers.
"The human brain is a story-telling brain and so we want to have a start, a middle, and an end. And a death from suicide often an abrupt end, an unplanned end, and leaves a lot of questions"
“It’s this thought of, ‘What did I miss? What are the things that I didn’t see coming’… It’s almost like a sense of responsibility sometimes,” says Emily Vander Velden, a psychotherapist and owner of Renewed Focus Counseling.
“Our brain wants to have some sort of control over the situation that we ultimately weren’t able to control, and so we want to answer that question of, ‘What could I have done differently?’ Because it helps it make sense, it puts it into our sphere of influence,” adds Schumacher.
"That lack of control, that feeling of [being] lost and being isolated and not grounded, that’s probably how our loved one felt to some extent."
Although these feelings can be difficult to deal with, Vander Velden says she likes to think of grief as a way of honoring and loving a person after their death. She also says it can help us better understand the pain experienced by a loved one.
She explains, “That lack of control, that feeling of [being] lost and being isolated and not grounded, that’s probably how our loved one felt to some extent, and in a way, being able to validate that and sit with that ourselves and grieve through that together, is almost a way of honoring that person’s pain and seeing them and supporting them in the way we can now.”
Healing can take many forms, but one thing Schumacher suggests is honoring the memory of a loved one through helping the community.
"Taking the impact somebody had while they were with us and continuing that is a way to not only honor their memory, but to really keep them and the relationship we have with them going on in our lives."
“Taking the impact somebody had while they were with us and continuing that is a way to not only honor their memory, but to really keep them and the relationship we have with them going on in our lives,” he explains. “That can be a way that people can take some of the grief, the hurt, the questions, the confusion they may have, and put it toward something that they can control and that’s a positive force.”
Vander Velden also suggests physical and emotional connection with others to help in the healing process.
“At the beginning of our life we are held and we are rocked and we are soothed. That is still what we need," she explains. "We need hugs, we need to just sit with somebody…go for a walk together."
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicide, trained help is available. You can talk to someone at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or dial 988.
