Since 2003, Baby Loss Awareness Week has honored the lives of babies lost during pregnancy, at birth or soon afterward.
The week ends with International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, on Oct. 15, also known as the global Wave of Light. That’s when people around the world light a candle at 7 p.m. local time and leave it burning for at least one hour to remember all babies that have died too soon.
It shows families who have experienced this type of loss that they are not alone.
The Wave of Light has been celebrated at Alice’s Garden Urban Farm in Milwaukee’s Lindsay Heights neighborhood for the past four years. It’s put on by two local organizations, the African American Breastfeeding Network and Redefining Life Services.
Dalvery Blackwell, executive director at Breastfeeding Network, says the annual Wave of Light event in Milwaukee holds special significance.
"Of course, we have persistent infant mortality rates in Milwaukee that has not decreased in the last 10 years and so many of our families unfortunately experience a baby loss either during pregnancy or after," Blackwell says.
Blackwell says that the infant mortality rate in Milwaukee is 16.5% and the Black infant mortality rate is three times that of white babies.
Blackwell says the AABN serves hundreds of women on their journey to bring life into the world, but not every journey has a happy ending.
"We wanted to create a space and an opportunity to increase awareness to let families know they’re not alone. They don’t have to suffer by themselves and there’s many people in the community where they can lean into and lean on," she says.
The ceremony took place on a chilly evening in the garden, guests were offered blankets, hand warmers, chili and hot cocoa to keep them warm.
Just over a dozen people gathered for the occasion. People got acquainted with each other under a shelter in the garden, where they fellowshipped ahead of the official candle lighting.
Shantell Riley, the founder of Redefining Life Services, oversaw the ceremony. Riley is a registered nurse, end-of-life doula and certified grief counselor. She explained that the loss of her 23-year-old son to gun violence in Milwaukee led her to discover just how much loss Milwaukeeans are experiencing, which includes pregnancy and infant loss.
She was surprised that it’s not talked about and publicly grieved in the same way as gun violence for example.
"We don’t get the same privilege when we talk about infant, pregnancy and like losses from that level. So, experiencing a loss during your pregnancy, experiencing a loss shortly after a pregnancy, you don’t have the space to feel safe to talk about it, which that also has an effect on how you navigate your grief," Riley says.
Riley says it can sometimes feel like people don’t have the right to grieve that experience.
“You hear a lot of different things, like, you know, ‘Well, it was early,’” she explains. “‘Or you can get a chance to try again,’ or ‘You already have other children.’ And that doesn’t change the fact that there was a life that existed,” Riley says.
So, she says, it’s important that the month of October, which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month — and the Wave of Light ceremony create a safe space to talk about the issue.
When it came time for the candle lighting, Riley led guests on a trail through the garden to a bonfire, where they lit their candles.
People were given white, translucent paper bags with artificial candles inside that they could twist to light up.
Riley told guests to reflect on the lives of babies lost as they lit their candles.
“And you’re saying to yourself, ‘I light this candle in honor of,’ whatever your angel baby’s name is, or are. Or if you haven’t named your angel baby, ‘my angel baby,’ whatever your last name is,” she says.
The lighting was followed by a moment of silence and guests departed.
I caught up with 24-year-old Mikayla Gilmore before she left.
Gilmore says she’s experienced three child losses. She didn’t know what to expect at the event.
"It’s nice to have people that can relate to that. Also, since ... I try to like every year celebrate each kid’s birthday that I lost, but I’m not always able to, so this was good time for me to do that and it felt good to know that I did something in a result to them. Especially, now that I’m expecting again and, you know, it’s just a lot," Gilmore says.
Gilmore says what she’s taking away from the Wave of Light event is that pregnancy and infant loss touch a lot more people than we talk about, and she’s glad to know she’s not alone.
