Immigration law and enforcement have been rapidly changing under the Trump administration. It’s created uncertainty for immigrants applying for citizenship. That process has always been costly and lengthy, but there’s a new tension with this administration.
This month’s Group Chat features two sisters born in Mexico who grew up in Milwaukee and were DACA recipients. Their applications for green cards after they married U.S. citizens were just approved. They talk with each other and their husbands about the experience. They requested anonymity because of fear of retribution.
This conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
S: What were you most anxious about during this process? And then what were you most excited about?
S’s partner: I was most anxious about messing up whatever that meant, you know? Our relationship is obviously very authentic and valid, but I feel like just the way we grew up, we always have expectations that someone's out to get us. Like they want to see us mess up, and with all relationships, they have ups and downs like anybody else. And it feels like you don't have the right to have a down.
A: Does it feel like the performance always has to be turned on?
S’s partner: Yeah, you have to be. It's very performative. You’ve got to be very performative, for sure.
A: What were you most anxious about?
A’s partner: Making a mistake in the interview and [S's] process not going through because of a mistake that I made.
A: I feel like there's nothing to talk about. It's just exhausting. Like I have nothing else to say. I've been thinking about these things for 25 years. I just don't know what else I could possibly say, which isn't what we're here for, but I wanted to share that.
S: It's really hard! Once you receive the approval letter you think you're going to feel this excitement like, "Oh my god my world is changing." But it was just another regular day and notification. I think he was more excited than me…
S’s partner: I was.
S: I had got home [that night] and he had teary eyes and was jamming out to music. And I was just like, "Oh, I don't feel that way though." I don't know, it just doesn't feel real.
A: How did you feel when I got my approval?
A’s partner: Happy and surprised … surprised that they got back to us so fast.
S: Did you feel the same?
S’s partner: Yeah. I mean, you’ve got your friends and maybe they do some international traveling and it sucks to think that you can't do that with your wife because of some technicality or whatever. But now that she got her residency, it was nice that we can start having those dreams together, you know?
S: How did you feel, sister?
A: I think I probably had a really hard time because I think I've been prepping myself for the possibility of a residency application since I was like a child. Like that has always been a motivation for education and employment and not doing drugs and not stealing …and I mean that very literally. Like, I have to be a good kid because I can't have a criminal record. So I am always thinking, "What's next?" And once [the approval application] came, it was just like a hard stop. And it was very weird for me to not have a [post] goal because I have no next step. So I feel like I've been looking for next steps.
Like my husband wants to do a name change so I was like on the Wisconsin court website, downloading forms because I just needed something to do. I looked up the forms for removal conditions. I looked up the forms for our citizenship application. I don't feel emotion. I feel like, OK, what could I do next? Because I've just been on “go mode” for so long.
A: I have a question for the guys, do you feel like your past has informed this experience now? Your childhood? Your upbringing? Just like seeing other people go through different immigration processes?
S’s partner: Yeah, I have family who's undocumented. And I hate it. Everyone has the right to feel comfortable and feel safe. I come from a family of immigrants myself. I've always looked at my ability to travel to Mexico and see my family as a huge privilege. I've never underestimated that.
And you want to date someone and just let it flow naturally and authentically. But that's always in the back of your mind, like, "Listen, buddy, if you're serious about me, let's have a relationship but do not waste my time. If you're going to commit to me, let's commit, let's get married, get fixed up paper wise and build our family."
I think it's appropriate because I do think being able to travel outside the country is unfortunately a huge privilege in this country. And it sucks. I wanted to go to Mexico when I was first dating and it would break my heart that we're from the same city in Mexico and you couldn't even go to see your family. You couldn’t get to know my family. It's a really sucky feeling.
S: I actually had a conversation with him on the way here about why it was important for us to do this interview. And as much as he hates to have these conversations, he was very open to having them today because he said it's important for us to use this platform to educate people that don't know anything about this. And also show people that are going through this process that there's a community of people that they can rely on.
He finally saw what we have always said and what we believe, we need to not let fear hold us back. And we need to help others.
A: And I think internalized shame is a reason why there isn't progress made because there's such a taboo and like cultural miseducation around this topic.
You're talking about community and how we want to make sure that other people are aware that there's a community for them and I used Facebook groups to help me start thinking about how to even start applying for Advanced Parole. Those Facebook groups led me to other ones.
Not only was I reading and posting questions on the feed, there were people that I sent my application to and they reviewed it and sent it back with feedback. You can post something like, "I have an interview in such and such office, what was your experience?"
It helped ease a lot of that anxiety. Like it makes it not be such an isolating experience.
I think that we're incredibly fortunate and it's very on brand for us as siblings to go through these processes together. But not everyone has that. People go through this like absolutely alone. I can't even put myself in that place. Like I've always had a built in support system and that has always helped me like hold out a hand for anybody else.
S: So I did have a lawyer. My lawyer pretty much did everything. I gave them the information they needed, and they filled out the application. I was kind of disconnected from my application in that sense. And so when I wasn't hearing back [after my application and interview process], I was freaking out. And every time I would reach out to you and you would be the one to tell me, "Based on, all these support groups, this is normal. This is a timeline."
You were always the one to center me because I feel like I was disconnected. That's why I hired a lawyer to take on that load because I couldn't do it.
A: And I think that's important to talk about the privilege of having the money to do that. And we also have a huge privilege of being English speaking. These forms are in English and they're difficult. And some of those questions are tricky. So we're English speaking. We sit at an office. I could take my lunch break and go over the forms like, I'm not out at a job site, and I don't come home physically exhausted.
We've also been educated throughout our lives on what makes you an eligible immigrant and what makes you ineligible. So we didn't have complicated cases. So we didn't have to talk ourselves down from these moments of stress like, "I have a criminal record. What if they find that inadmissible?"
I think the most anxious moment was when we realized we had our interviews. I remember both of us saying, "It's too soon." I just wasn't ready. We had important things coming up, big family events that we had been planning for years. And it's like, this is just inconvenient. The fact that we could even for a second think this is an inconvenience shows that we really were in such a positive place. And I do recognize that.
S: So I have a question because there were days where I was like, "Is she going to be jealous if I get [my residency] first? Or, how are we going to feel if she gets it before us?" Diid you have those moments?
A: No.
S: You're more mature than us.
A: I don't even think that it's a maturity thing because I'm not that mature. And I think if you had gotten your residency before me, and could have traveled and did travel before me, I would have been so mad. Like in a childish way where I was still would be happy for you, but I'd be so ticked off.
And it makes me wonder how our other sister feels [who isn’t eligible to apply for residency]. I think about that a lot.
I think that has robbed a lot of the joy from this process where we came to the U.S., it was us three sisters, my mom and an aunt. And yes, maybe some undocumented people have other undocumented family. But our aunt gets grouped in with us because we came here at the same time and she was so young, barely an adult. And when I told her [about our approval] and I saw that she was teary eyed, it makes me so sad because it feels like, why me? And not you? Because I see myself in everyone else.
I feel like I shouldn't even be saying this on record but it just feels so stupid. Like none of this matters. The fact that I got married and now I'm somehow more worthy. That just feels dumb. I'm not more worthy because my husband is a citizen. What about my friend that married another undocumented person? So, she doesn't deserve it? It just feels really dumb.
