A hard truth about aging is that as people get older, they can lose their friends, family members and lovers. But for some seniors, there’s still a desire to find connection and love.
On this month’s "Group Chat," we hear from two Milwaukee area seniors, Laeh, 82, and Allen, 78, who’ve been dating for the past two years. They talk about the joy of finding someone, the hurdles they’ve had to manage and what it’s been like to feel butterflies and find intimacy again after all these years.
This conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
Laeh: Did you think that we had so many differences [when we met] that I didn't really [want] to date you or anybody at that time?
Allen: You had mentioned you weren't sure you wanted to date, and I guess it wasn't until maybe [our first date] that you mentioned some of the other differences that you thought might be a roadblock for us having any kind of a relationship.
The things you mentioned, I didn't really see any problem with it. She's Jewish and I'm Christian, and for her, that was a big concern. As it turned out, it hasn't been a problem because I've gone to synagogue with her and she goes to church with me. You're concerned, too, about the distance that we lived apart, because it's like a 45 minute ride.
Laeh: My feeling was this was a doomed relationship before it was anything. And you wanted to see me again, and I just felt that I didn't want to waste our time or hurt each other. Because I think when we talked, we talked about how it can be very lonely being a senior, being widowed or divorced, or like I lost somebody to illness. So I was a lot more cautious. Why weren't you cautious when I was cautious?
Allen: I just felt very comfortable with you. Maybe because I hadn't been in any serious relationships after my wife passed away. Maybe I was just just ready to move into a more serious relationship.
We were both laid up with health issues at the same time and we got to talk a lot.
Laeh: How long was that…that was like, four to six weeks. I broke a leg.
Allen: And I had toe surgery and for six weeks I wasn't supposed to be out and about. So we spent a lot of a lot of time texting and as we were texting we said, "Why don’t we FaceTime with each other?"
Laeh: A lot of people said, "You don't want to be a nurse or a purse," but I think you become a nurse because I went and broke my leg. Twice. And that never occurred to me that I would put you in that situation. How do you handle that?
Allen: Well, it's just a little road bump, you know. It’s something that you worked through at the time and things get better.
Laeh: I think that's interesting that at our age, he talks long term. I'm 82 and he's 78, and he talks long term, which is, I think, very unique for some people. Maybe that's denial. Maybe other people do that. I've always been more of a planner when it comes to end of life and…I had to adjust to your optimism.
Allen: We've been through three experiences here where you've had medical problems.
Laeh: …If I stop falling down. Yes. I'm so active, I fall down.
Allen: Every time you've come back, we go dancing and out to eat. One of the things that we have discussed is what happens if one of us passes away. What is it going to mean for the surviving person and their family? Because we both have three children…
Laeh: I'm always very organized when it comes to "what ifs," so I asked you right away: "Well, now that we live together, what will happen with your things and what will your children say and what will they want? And we should talk to them about it." And I thought at first that you were a bit shocked that we should even talk about those things, when I've already done so much with my kids and that's not something you necessarily did, with your non-questioning. So that must have been a little bit of a push.
Allen: Yes it was. I had not given a lot of thought to what would happen.
Laeh: Does it bug you that I want you to write it down? And then I bring it up now and again?
Allen: No, it doesn't bother me. When my wife was sick the last several years, it just totally interrupted my keeping track of paperwork and stuff.
Laeh: So when people come together they bring a lot with them. I think for us, that we had all that time to talk about some of these issues sort of really helped us feel close to the fact that we had to fill the time not just like giggling, batting my eyes, but real talk or there would have been silly silence. And so I think that it's really important for people to spend a lot of time and not be afraid to share your expectations and your life.
Allen: We dated and saw each other and talked a lot, but at what point would you say you knew you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me?
Laeh: Wow. There wasn't one point, but there was a turning point. And I think that's when I met your children, that you wanted me to be part of your family. I wasn’t an add-on, I was included. And when my children — when they live far away and we do FaceTime — I remember you literally made sure that they saw you and I introduced them and you wanted to know them. And all of a sudden that meant that we were coming together, that my past and my present, with you, look like we could have a future. That you wanted to be part of the future of my children. And that you wanted me to be part of yours. That was a big turning point. It wasn't just us, it was the past and the people we love that we should have in our lives together.
Allen: I think that it was very important that we felt like we weren’t just ourselves anymore, it was family involved, too.
Laeh: We had support. You talk about blended families, but at this stage your children go on in their lives but you still want to make sure that they love the people you love, care about the people you care [about], in case something comes up. And I felt he cared about them.
Also, if something came up, you made me not have to worry about anything at all about the future, because I felt he was committed to me even though he had a family, because I don't think I would want somebody that didn't care about their family, because that meant he couldn't care about mine.
I feel sad that some people don't know that people our age can be intimate and I can't believe how important it is.
Allen: Yeah, I think it's extremely important.
Laeh: I know for me, as we became more intimate, sleeping in the same bed, and how incredible that is to wake up in somebody's arms. Or that you want me in your arms all the time. That you have such an intimacy need. It makes every day waking up exciting.
Allen: It's a really super feeling for me to put my arms around you and hug you, to hold hands with you, kiss you, rub your back, fondle you, whatever. It's all very exciting, yet…how should I say this? I'm not dead from the waist down.
Laeh: And that surprised me. Because at our age, women are always concerned about how they look, a lot of women wear makeup, we put on girdles, we put on spandex, wear special bras, blah, blah. I don't do all of that, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about my aging body. How did you get so comfortable with your body like you were? I mean, all I know is that I feel like I know you more intimately than I have known anybody, but I also am so surprised how you look at me and see I'm this physically exciting person.
Allen: Yes, you are still a very beautiful woman. Just being with you moves me. You're very special.
I guess, part of me being so comfortable, it might sound a little strange but I was in the Navy. Sure it was all guys, but if you went to the bathroom, there were no partitions between stalls or anything like that. Men are all made the same.
Laeh: Were you surprised that that surprised me? That it took me a while to get used to your nudity? Comfortable nudity. And I drew nude men and women, but yet, in our private life, you're so comfortable with your aging sexuality and everything made me realize I was a lot more prudey than I thought I was. Did you think I was prudey?
Allen: No, I didn't. I guess I was just comfortable being myself. To me, there was no shame in my game anymore. There was nothing to hide. You'd seen it all.
Laeh: I think I liked your confidence. After my husband had issues, and then had a long-term relationship and never found that men were comfortable with themselves. So I was always afraid to be comfortable with them. And then all of a sudden, you came into my life with this openness, not only answering my questions, accepting my personality, but caring for me physically, it made me feel beautiful.
